what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
