I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
