I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
