i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
