genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
whose parrot is this?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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