If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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