As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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