I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
