Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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