I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
