this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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