Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
