I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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