You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
