There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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