I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
