No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
