I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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