I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
