The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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