Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
