How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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