The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
