my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Two words: blizzard sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
