these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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