remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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