the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
