woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize