is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
