I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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