we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
