note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
