rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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