Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
