I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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