Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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