remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize