The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
