Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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