the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the day after is always just damage control
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
