she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
