What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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