thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
