At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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