Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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