She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There r osticjed everywhere
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
