All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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