u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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