At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
