when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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