just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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