worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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