I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
