I puked a lego.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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