That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize