Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
