I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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