Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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